One Plus One Equals?
by AlphaMonkey
Summary: Former Mojave Express Courier Dexter Rollins attempts to explain basic mathematics to several citizens of the Mojave Wasteland. It goes about how you'd expect. That is to say, poorly.
1. Chapter 1

"Do I need to draw you a graph? Do I need to sprinkle it liberally with flowcharts?"

Cass thumped him upside the back of the head. "I ain't a moron. I can add."

"So what about this whole concept is so hard for everyone to understand? For Chrissake, I can understand the Emotional Cripple over there not getting it - he has a hard time figuring out how to tie his boot laces in the morning-"

"Hey..." There was a long, pregnant pause. "Shut up."

"Thanks for making my point, Craig. But the rest of you... I mean, you're a doctor, Gannon. And you can't puzzle _this_ out?"

"Well, it just doesn't make any _sense."_

"It's a pistol. I can hold it in one hand. I can shoot it with one hand.

"Yeahhhhh..."

"Ok, so look. Here's my right hand. There is a gun in it. See? Woooooooo..."

"Dex? Could you maybe not wave around a loaded gun like that? It's dangerous."

"Lighten up, Veronica. I'm not going to accidentally shoot anyone with it like a certain someone we know."

"That happened one time. And I was drunk."

Veronica scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You're always drunk, Cass."

"Not always. Sometimes I'm asleep."

"Point is. Here is my left hand. There is nothing in my left hand. Everyone still with me so far?"

"Yes."

"Yup."

"Ngh."

"Indubitably."

"Would you like some cookies, dearie?"

"Uh, maybe later, Lily, but thank you. Now... if I were to... TADA... put another gun in my left hand..."

"This is the part where you lose me," muttered Arcade.

"How am I losing you?"

"It's... _two guns._ Maybe Veronica can explain it better than I can. Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a theoretical physicist."

"This doesn't take a degree in theoretical physics!"

Veronica pouted. "Yeah, the 'two guns' part is a real headscratcher, too. Oh well. I'm gonna go have cookies."

"Now that there sounds like a plan: cookies. And booze."

"Ewww."

"What? Sweet and alcoholic are complementary flavor profiles..."

Utterly flabbergasted, Dex said nothing as the lot of them headed off for the kitchen. It wasn't until Lily poked her head in to ask him if he was absolutely sure he didn't want any cookies that he finally found his voice again. "Does _everyone_ in the Mojave have this disease of the mind?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Did you really need to drag everyone out of bed so early, pumpkin? Grandma needs her beauty sleep."

"I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but I'm with the giant blueberry on this one. Oh, and just puttin' it out there, but anyone got any 'hair of the dog that bit ya?' I could use some."

"Hung over again? I thought you said you could hold your liquor?"

"I did. And I can. See?" Cass cradled an enormous bottle filled with sickly-looking fluid in her arms, rocking it back and forth as if it were a cranky, colicky child. "Now shut yer trap, Ronnie, and let the man speak."

"Uh, thanks, Cass. So… as I was saying, since you guys had such a hard time understanding the 'one gun in each hand' deal…"

"It was like some kind of sorcery, Boss."

"For the last time, Raul, it's not magic! It's just- ok, never mind. MOVING ON. Since you guys had such a **hard time** understanding that whole spiel, I've come up with this great new invention."

Veronica groaned. "Great new invention. Yay. I'll tell Arcade to prep for casualties." She was in the middle of turning to leave the room when Dex reached out and yanked her back by her hood.

"Have a little faith."

"I have faith. I have faith your idea will kill us all. Horribly."

He ignored her. "Imagine if you will-"

"Would rather not."

He continued ignoring her.

"You're being charged by a swarm of ravenous ghouls. You shoot a couple of them down, but one of them gets in close and he just keeps coming. What do you do? Anyone? Anyone?"

"Pause for dramatic flourish."

Dex narrowed his eyes at her. "Congratulations, Veronica. You are now a ghoul. Come at me."

She held her arms out stiffly and lurched slowly in his direction. "Grr. Argh."

He grinned and then, from behind his back, pulled forth a mechanic's wrench that had undergone some unorthodox modifications. "So. Attacking ghoul. What do you do? Let's brainstorm, shall we? I could hit you over the head with the wrench." He mimed doing just that. "Or…" He flipped the wrench over. Welded to the end of the handle was a small paring knife. "I could stab you in the gut with the knife."

Everyone looked at him with blank expressions.

"KNIFE-WRENCH. It's two weapons. IN ONE."

"You shouldn't wave pointy objects like that around, pumpkin. Someone could get hurt."

He scoffed. "Lily, I'm a grown man, I can handle it. Besides, the Knife-Wrench would never hurt me. I forged it. There's a connection between us, a bond between man and blade that can never be broken." He flipped the weapon through several flourishes before tucking it into a sheath at his hip. "Urk."

Cass didn't even bother trying to keep the smirk off her face. "You're losing blood, ain'cha?"

"Probably. My socks are wet."

Veronica snickered and went off in search of help. "Medic!"


End file.
